The Stories We Tell at the Holidays
/
At the holidays, we often tell stories at meals or in front of a fire or at other family gathering places. It turns out those stories carry more weight than we might think. Researchers at Emory University have found that adolescents and young adults, despite appearing distracted or uninterested, actually retain the stories they hear in family settings. (1) Further, the research says that the stories provide important senses of identity for youth and may also help them navigate difficult emotions when they hear how other relatives have done the same.
After hearing about this research, I asked myself what story I would tell at the holidays if I had the chance. It didn’t take long before I knew it would be about how important animals are in my life, especially this year.
When my husband was killed in an accident, I instantly knew I had to move, but I didn’t know where. And I knew I wanted to keep my ponies, but I didn’t know how. Then the shock that took over my body wore off, and it was easy to think about just lying in bed. But the ponies needed to be fed and the dogs needed to be let out, so I got up and going. Over and over again. Day in, day out, several times a day. In hindsight it was a great way to put my grief in context. While life was different, it also went on in many ways as it had before.
I spent that first month after Don’s death ‘poking the universe,’ seeing how it responded to various ideas about where to go and what animals to keep. I chose not to view feedback from the universe as good or bad but rather as information. Reactions came as useful information or nothing at all.
Despite thinking that my ponies and dogs would be with me until the end of their days, I knew I was physically unable to care for all of them alone. I poked the universe, and suddenly there were opportunities that made alternative realities easier to ponder. As it turned out, I placed four ponies very quickly in fabulous homes and two dogs also in great places. But I still needed a place for me to land, hopefully with the ponies that I still had.
I have my dog Tika to thank for solving that part of the puzzle of my new life. The people who bred her had evolved from acquaintances to friends and had even started learning about Fell Ponies. They reached out soon after they heard about Don’s death, and what they offered fit like a proverbial glove. Every time I poked the universe about it, the reaction came back richer than the time before. It felt then and continues to feel like a miracle, and strangely at the same time it feels like a natural evolution of things. As one small example, they were disappointed that they sold Tika, and now they have her back!
I’m still dealing with transitioning my life. And my dog and ponies are still helping me navigate the tough emotions that sometimes surface. Tika still needs to be let out, and on occasion she gets very intense hugs when I need to give one and get one back. And while the ponies don’t require as much feeding now that many of them are on pasture, they still like to see me and appreciate their feed buckets. Some of them are even pretty good at receiving and returning hugs! I always come back inside feeling better than when I went out.
Prior to Don’s death I had never lived alone, sharing living space with family or a roommate or a spouse. While I may no longer share living space with a person, I do have a new appreciation for the companionship I have from my animals. I recognize now that companionship has dimensions far beyond what I previously understood. While it isn’t uncommon to be given support and assistance from people when one is grieving, I can testify to the fact that animals are also capable of giving, and the assistance can be profoundly helpful.
So be sure to tell stories this holiday season, and don’t be afraid to let your stories evolve as you gain perspective. If you can, include your animals in the tale. Sometimes when people aren’t able to give us answers that we need, our animals can and do!
“The Psychological Benefits To Hearing Family Stories This Thanksgiving,” All Things Considered, 11/26/19, npr.org
© Jenifer Morrissey, 2019
More stories like this one can be found in my book The Partnered Pony, available internationally by clicking here or on the book cover.
